Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
You Might Also Like
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.