“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
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where the womens at?
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.