Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
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Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.