pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
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REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.