How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
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My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
This is my favorite one of these!
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.