If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
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a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”