A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
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The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
how much does a mortician urn in a year
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea