Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
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What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20