My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
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“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.