Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
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I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Salad is the decaf of food.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.