Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
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My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.