My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
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My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what