How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
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Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’