“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
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*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do