Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
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If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
#CatsOnTwitter
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
You got this…
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.