Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
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4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.