you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
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When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky