I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
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There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.