*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
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When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.