Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
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My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers