therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
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if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?