If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
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70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat