Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
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My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
I’m not lazy
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed