Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
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*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
*exercises sarcastically*
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.