Tik Tok is a national treasure.
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Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.