It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
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I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
I like crazy people until they notice me
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.