Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
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Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.