If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
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WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.