My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
You Might Also Like
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I love the honesty
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.