Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
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I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.