Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
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When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink