[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
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[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
A GPS. But for where your story is going.