Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
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You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Me My dog
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
*skinny dips into black hole
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.