Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
You Might Also Like
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
every college guy’s fridge
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
This a good idea
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’