Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
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*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
In Canada they just call them geese
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip