“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
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I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
My circle of trust is a meatball
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.