[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
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My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.