A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
You Might Also Like
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t