thank god
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My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing