ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
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Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
According to math, I’m broke
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*