Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
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Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
this came to me in a vision
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
(by @ZachWeiner )
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler