*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
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Pronouncing “driest” like priest
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.