Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
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Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?