I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
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This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
going to the ER y’all need anything
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?