Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
You Might Also Like
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.