The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
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Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I bet
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
“TGIM!” – My liver
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Perfect
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all