OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
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My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool