Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
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The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I put the mess in domestic.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE