Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
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*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
For the baby who has everything
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.