Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
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What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Meat Cute
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
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*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being